


his hand was cold

by xrebelwithacausex



Series: [i love you] [i know] [3]
Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, PTSD flashbacks, PTSD trigger warning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, leia has ptsd, leia is (rightfully) not over alderaan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26809597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrebelwithacausex/pseuds/xrebelwithacausex
Summary: ~~Vader’s hand was on her neck. His hand was cold. She couldn’t hear him breathing.Everything was still.Alderaan was there.Then it was not.There were millions of screams cut short in her head.Hers left her throat before she could stop it.~~years after leia was forced to watch her home planet be destroyed, she wakes up from a nightmare screaming.TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD FLASHBACKS
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo
Series: [i love you] [i know] [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940494
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	his hand was cold

_ Sweat was pouring down her back. She couldn’t breathe. In. Out. In. Out. A spasm of pain flashed through her with each breath. She tried to close her eyes against it, but all she could see was that room. She opened her eyes. Vader was breathing behind her. _

_ She was marched into the control room. _

_ Grand Moff Tarkin _

_ The storm troopers _

_ Vader _

_ “I recognized your foul stench,” she heard herself saying. Why was she saying it? _

_ “Charming to the last,” _

_ Tarkin said other things. She didn’t hear them. She caught the words ‘death warrant.’ _

_ “I’m surprised you had the courage to do it yourself,” Whose death warrant? Hers?  _

_ He said more words, but as she tried to focus on his face, they warped around her. She was underwater, wasn’t she? _

_ “...have chosen the planet…” What planet?  _

_ Oh! _

_ They needed to know the planet, the one with the Rebels. _

She _ knew the planet with the Rebels. _

_ Had she told them? She didn’t think so. But she was having trouble doing much thinking anyways. _

_ “...reluctant to give us the location of the Rebel base…”  _

_ So she didn’t tell them. Excellent. But she didn’t think she could hold on much longer. Wasn’t anyone to rescue her? _

_ Vader was still behind her, breathing in and out. _

_ In and out. _

_ In and out. _

_ She tried to match it. Maybe that way she would be calm. _

_ “...Alderaan,” _

_ Alderaan? They would do  _ what _ to her home? _

_ There was something bubbling under her skin. It was ugly, unseemly, undiplomatic. She couldn’t negotiate if it came out. _

_ She wanted to let it out. _

_ “Alderaan is peaceful,” she begged. “We have no weapons. You can’t possibly-” _

_ He cut her off. She couldn’t hear him. She knew what he was saying. She wasn’t going to tell him where they were. _

_ “Dantooine,” she lied. _

_ He said something else. Something about her being reasonable.  _

_ “Continue the operation,” he said. “You may fire when ready,” _

_ What? _

_ She  _ told _ him what he wanted to hear. She saved her planet.  _

_ What were they doing? _

_ She knew she was begging for them to be spared, but she didn’t know what she was saying. It was quiet around her. She was still underwater. _

_ Vader’s hand was on her neck. His hand was cold. She couldn’t hear him breathing. _

_ Everything was still. _

_ Alderaan was there. _

_ Then it was not. _

_ There were millions of screams cut short in her head. _

_ Hers left her throat before she could stop it. _

Leia sat up in bed, her scream melting away as she regained consciousness.

Han bolted upright. “Leia?” he asked. “What happened?”

He put his hand on her back.

His hand was cold.

Vaders’ hand was on her back.

She froze.

Alderaan was in front of her.

“Please,” she whispered. “Don’t. I did what you wanted,” 

She was still underwater

“Leia?” Han’s voice cut in. He wasn’t underwater. Or maybe he was underwater with her. 

“Han?” she asked. “What are you doing here?” Was he supposed to be here? 

“I live here. With you,” he said.

A light turned on, and Leia wasn’t in the Death Star. She was in a room with a stack of books in a corner, with strange trinkets on the dresser, with clothes draped over the chair. She was in  _ her _ room.

And she was next to her husband.

“Han,” she breathed, turning to him. “Oh my God,”

He didn’t touch her. “Are you okay?” 

She couldn’t speak. She shook her head and buried herself in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her. His hand was on her back. His hand was cold. She stiffened up.

He let go.

She looked up. She saw Han. She blinked. She saw Vader. She blinked. She saw Tarkin. She blinked. She saw Han.

“His hand was cold,” she said. She could see Han. He was confused. He was worried. He touched his hand. 

It was quiet. She was underwater. She saw Han.

He wrapped his arms around her. His hand was on her back. His hand was warm. She melted into his embrace.

Alderaan was farther away now. So was the Death Star and Tarkin and Vader.

She wasn’t underwater anymore. She could hear Han whispering to her.

“It’s okay, it’s okay sweetheart, I’ve got you,” he was saying. “I will never let anyone hurt you again. I promise I’ll keep you safe,”

She breathed slowly. She didn’t realize she was breathing fast before.

She closed her eyes. She could see the Death Star. She tightened her grip on Han.

_ This is real _ , she told herself. 

Han was rubbing circles on her back. He was still whispering. 

“Leia, Leia, Leia, sweetheart,” he kept saying.

A wave of shame swelled in her heart, crested with grief as it crashed over her.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Han looked at her and shook his head. “This is not something to be sorry for,” he said. His voice was quiet and loud at the same time. “This is  _ not _ something to be sorry for,”

“I’m still sorry,” she said. Sorry for waking him. Sorry for needing him. Sorry for not getting over it. Sorry that if his hands were cold he couldn’t hug her. Sorry that she couldn’t save Alderaan. Sorry that it still bothered her.

He brushed his thumb on her cheek. “I’m not,”

He kept his arms around her. She kept her head on his shoulder. 

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. The birds had started to sing. She moved back.

“I love you,” Han said. Leia felt warm and fuzzy.

“I love you too,”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Han asked.

It. The lovely cloud hanging over their bed. Did she want to talk about it?

“Before you rescued me,” she started. “I was with Vader. He wanted the Rebel base,” she swallowed. “They tortured me,” she sensed Han tense up. “They took me to the command center. They were going to destroy Alderaan. I told them it was on Dantooine, but it wasn’t. They-” there were tears on her face. His hand was cold. “They destroyed it anyway. He - he held me there. His hand was cold,”

“They made you watch?” Han asked, his voice dangerously quiet.

She didn’t trust herself to speak.

“Leia,” his voice caught. “I’m sorry,”

_ He _ was sorry? “Why?”

“You went through it alone. I should’ve been there,”

“I didn’t know you yet,”

“Doesn’t matter,”

Something about that broke her. “You really care?”

He looked at her, shaking his head slightly. “Don’t ever think otherwise. I will  _ always _ care. No matter what,”

“Sometimes I’m underwater,” she said. She didn’t know why she said it. “I can’t hear anything. It’s all warped and twisted,”

Han wrapped her in another hug. “I’ll go underwater with you,”

“Promise?”

He kissed her nose. “Promise,”

**Author's Note:**

> i tried something new with this fic. i love writing angst, and i've written angst involving nightmares, but i've never tried to write a character having ptsd or a flasback, and i don't know if it really worked. but this was still a good piece to experiment with, and i really enjoyed writing it


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